urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup And Everyone is Singing Along Cassanova 2007-07-25T15:01:45Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:83035 2007-07-25T15:01:45Z 2007-07-25T15:01:45Z so i just finished harry potter and the deathly hallows. and it made me feel sad because ive been reading harry potter for the greater part of my adolescence and i find it somewhat symbolic that now, the summer before im supposed to start my adult life, the series ends... with hope. <br /><br />hahaha. good ol' harry potter.<br /><br />and lately ive been confused about almost everything.<br /><br />and ive also been thingking alot about death. as a child i would always think about it. i would wake up in the middle of the night with this uncontrollable fear of the inevitable, and unable to sleep i would walk around my house crying. sometimes my mom would wake me up and try to ocmfort me talking about God and heaven and jesus. promises that jesus would save. and for a while i grew incredibly religious always telling stories about jesus to my preschool friends.<br /><br />but now those similar feeling of unease have come back to me and again i feel like a scared child, so fearful of the inevitable so unsure of the unexplainable. sometimes i am filled with so much fear that i cant help but cry. i cry at at the fact that one day i will be old and i will die. and i dont know what will happen to me. i guess i could believe that jesus will save me and i will remanin in heaven for eternity. or there could be nothing. emptiness non existance. and that scares me more then anything. it seems so unfair tht we are given so short a life. a life of harry potter, of little dogs that lick your face, of good friends, and fireworks, and chocolate cake, of jokes and films and art and love and such tenderness. it is so unfair. and then it ends abruptly. like a blink of an eye, and itr could just be nothing blackness, no feeling, no comfort. nothing. my soul, the soul and life i truly cherish would be gone nothing but a small memory shared by a few and dead within a century.<br /><br />and beyond that i think what happens when the end comes, and im talking about beyond apocalypse. because thats not the end it might just be the end of the living world but the continuation of the spiritual world (if i believe that such a hting exists) but what about the end of time? the end of space? of souls? heaven? hell? god? i know,i know. how can i say that? such blasphemy.<br /><br />nothing scares me more the a wasted life and the utter darkness and silence that night follow.<br /><br />and i know people will tell me their views on god and heaven, or theyll tell me it doesnt matter, live your life to the fullest. i know.<br /><br />but i just cant escape this fear. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:82894 2007-05-31T06:27:40Z 2007-05-31T06:27:40Z so im just confused lately<br /><br />you realized you loved me...just too late<br /><br /><br />and now i dont know if i want him. <br /><br />This guy joe is nice. hes a marine. hes sweet, attractive...and has a kid.<br /><br /><br />and theres the whole thing about me still loving andre. <br /><br />maybe they should just leave me alone completly<br /><br />because all i need is my little meshi :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:82556 2007-05-17T12:06:04Z 2007-05-17T12:06:04Z Its sad looking at my old entries.<br /><br />I never knew what was coming. and i wonder if i had known if i would have stopped it.<br /><br />i never knew that somene you loved you be so cruel or betraying. i was so naive.<br /><br />I saw him in the best way anyone could ever see him. and he should truly be grateful. Because now i dont see him like that anymore.and i feel dead.<br /><br /><br />You would too if you endured what i did/do.<br /><br /><br />But hey, it must not be hat bad if i choose to stick around. right? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:82323 2007-03-30T19:03:16Z 2007-03-30T19:03:16Z blah blah blah.<br /><br />gonna go to africa...... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:82162 2007-03-30T19:01:35Z 2007-03-30T19:01:35Z so lately i felt more and more discontented with my life.<br />so many new faces are springing up, and old ones too.<br /><br /> i dont know anymore about love. or what i think is love. I love him, i know i do. ut i seriously doubt that he loves me. you cant cause someone you love so much pain and misery. you cat be cruel to someone you love, can you? or is it that youre so aware of the other persons love that you know you can be mean to them and they will always love you and never leave you? like they way i am to my brother or my mom.<br /><br />But idk.<br /><br />Ive bee riding a dead horse for a long time.<br /><br />but i keep hoping that if i stick it out we'll bothe become more mature and our eyes will finally be open. but idk when enough is enough.<br /><br />probably now.<br /><br />i dont know how long before i run out of tears to cry. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:81864 2006-10-29T02:31:46Z 2006-10-29T02:31:46Z Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks<br />Lick on these balls and suck the dick<br /><br /><br />HAHAHAHAHA<br /><br />good stuff<br /><br /><br />Im tired of catty fucking attitudes.<br />Im tired of fucking pathological liars.<br />Im tired of people judging<br />Im tired of people fighting<br />Im tired of little boys with a dumb sex drive<br />Im tired of girls with a power drive<br />Im tired of girls flirting qith andre<br />Im tired of my friends being bitches<br />Im tired of assholes with fragile hearts<br />Im tired of his devil mask<br />Im tired of shit<br />all of it<br /><br /><br /><br />I hope tonight thereare no fights<br />at least i hope andre stays away from<br />because his wanting to be on the front line (pft...lame) makes me have to at least be in the second line to make sure he doesnt get killed. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:81514 2006-08-30T01:32:15Z 2006-08-30T01:32:15Z Mary: Let me ask you something. <br />Mary: Why are you alive? <br />John Preston: I'm alive... I live... to safeguard the continuity of this great society. To serve Libria. <br />Mary: It's circular. You exist to continue your existence. What's the point? <br />John Preston: What's the point of your existence? <br />Mary: To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath.<b> And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking. </b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:81347 2006-08-18T01:26:28Z 2006-08-18T01:26:28Z everything is just terrible.<br /><br />the world is sooo fucked.<br /><br />people are just cheaters and liars who crave their own satisfaction.<br /><br />People die<br />Beauty fades<br />Love changes<br />and you will always be alone.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />So what?<br /><br /><br />all of this coud be true. But still, so what?<br />You give up?<br />You become one of those who lives for self satisfaction, who cheats. who lies...just so you can be like the others?<br /><br />I regret nothing. There are times ive felt so alone, when ive asked what the point is. But then there are those moment when i feel loved, when i feel beautiful, needed, helpful and kind. when i see something sweet and heavenly in others eyes. and then i realize what I live for.<br /><br />Those golden moments (sometimes frequent, sometimes scarce)that cannot be forgotten or erased, those moments that change you. the moments that make you feellike youre in a snow globe with glitz and glitter all around you and your world, those moments that make you feel like youve entered somewhere soft, somewhere comfortingly hazy. Moments that are never and forever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:81077 2006-07-29T12:05:01Z 2006-07-29T12:05:01Z Someone just kill me.<br />I dont think ive ever been this hurt in my entire life.<br /><br /><br />I dont understand. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:80452 2006-07-25T06:16:27Z 2006-07-25T06:16:27Z Come back to me Sarah, I miss you too much, and I'm afraid that they'll all hurt you.<br />Im afraid I'll lose you.<br />The strong, the free-spirited.<br /><br />Hollywood has devouring eyes, and it looks too hard at you. I know whats on their mind, black holes of desire, every man. Like vampires. Suck you fuck you, stick you.<br /><br />And if everything devours you, would i have to become brave and rescue you? Perhaps. But then again, I guess bravery is only what cmes when there is no other alternative. <br /><br />So watch yourself best friend. Watch for those devouring eyes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:80243 2006-07-25T06:11:17Z 2006-07-25T06:11:17Z " What has he done for you?"<br />"what??"<br />"what has he done for you, cassie. I've never heardyou say someones name over and over again as you talk to them. What has he done for you?"<br /><br /><br />I dont know.<br /><br />Things are good. <br />I love Andre and Audrey. Theyre my favorite people at the moment.<br /><br />Wes is Audreys roommate and my neighbor!!<br />Cool beans :D<br /><br />I am quite in love.<br />nothing seems better.<br />Every kiss, every touch<br />Better then the last.<br />I never thought that i could feel so strongly.<br />Or so good.<br /><br />But i guess this way i have more to lose. But id rather have lost the world then have never known. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:79938 2006-07-11T06:41:56Z 2006-07-11T06:41:56Z <i>"You're gonna marry that boy someday"</i><br /><br />country song in this movie with kevin bacon....i think... anyway<br /><br />do you ever feel that the good's so good that the bad is that much more terrible. I do.<br /><br />He asked if i would marry him 5 years from now if we were still together.<br />cute. funny. cute. maybe<br /><br /><br /><br />I miss sarah. stupid indiana taking her away fromme. Stupid travis taking tammy away from me. stupid jerk face. Anyway.<br /><br />I dont think i couldever say whats truly bugging me on this stupid lj. i think maybe ill still to all private entrys. its hard when you cant be completly truthful or honestto your friends. it sucks, but i guess its for the better. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:79742 2006-06-26T08:22:05Z 2006-06-26T08:22:05Z Its like getting stuck in a snow globe.<br />excpet rain.<br /><br />and not in a melencholy way.<br /><br /><br />Sometimes life bores me. I feel like i just did that the night before. Same conversations. same looks. same smiles. same booze. same drugs. me of course saying "nah, im good".<br /><br />and then i have moments when things couldnt be more perfect.<br /><br />Sometimes friends make life worth living. so does andre. so does my baby billy.<br /><br /><br />I just have all this love for people. and thats enough to get me high.<br /><br />I love you Andre.<br />I love you Audrey.<br />I love you Tammy.<br />I love you Sarah.<br />I love you Wes.<br />I love you Britt.<br />I love you Billy.<br />I love you Joey.<br />I love you mom.<br />I love you daddy.<br />I love you dad.<br />I love you family (the rest of them)<br /><br /><br />Dont laugh :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:79552 2006-06-26T00:46:53Z 2006-06-26T00:46:53Z People gunna geeeeyt plaaaaaayed<br /><br />;)<br /><br />and ya know it.<br /><br /><br />hahahaha.<br />anyway. life is good. life is fun. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:79141 2006-06-23T06:20:51Z 2006-06-23T06:20:51Z Part 1: The Birth of You<br /><br />Were you a planned baby?: no<br /><br />Were you the first?: yes<br /><br />Were your parents married when you were born?: uh... maybe<br /><br />What is your birthdate?: 6/6/89<br /><br /><br />Part 2: The Family<br /><br />How would you describe your family?: step dada: uptight and controlling Mom: awesome, sometimes crazy. Dad: on a road to redemption Joey: loving, honest, outrageous Billy: perfact, the sunshine of my life<br /><br />Are your parents married, divorced or seperated?: Divorced.<br /><br />Siblings or an only child?: 2 brothers.<br /><br />If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: oldest<br /><br />What are your siblings names?: Joey and Billy<br /><br />Which parent do you get along with best?: mom<br /><br />Do you have step parents?: dad<br /><br /><br />Part 3: The Friends<br /><br />Do you have more than one best friend?: yes<br /><br />Who are your good friends?: Sarah, Audrey, Tammy, Wes, Brittney, Lauren, Jasper, Wes<br /><br />What do you like to do when you are togther?<br />talking, smoking. driving. partying :)<br /><br />Do you share the same interests?: some<br /><br />Which friend can you tell anything to?: Sarah, Audrey, Tammy <br /><br /><br />Part 4: Your Personality<br /><br />How high/low is your self esteem?: moderate. sometimes i think im too fat.<br /><br />Do you get depressed about things easily?: sometimes<br /><br />Are you happy?: Yes. I have speed bumps. But its life. It makes the good parts soooooooo good.<br /><br />Do you live life to the fullest?: I try to.<br /><br /><br />Part 5: Appearance<br /><br />Are you comfortable with the way you look?: meh.<br /><br />Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: nope<br /><br />How do you dress?: generally comfortaly. dark colors. <br /><br /><br />Part 6: The Past<br /><br />Were you a strange child?: i was a llittle weird. I think i acted too old. I preached. I told people they were bad. But i always yelled at people for tesing the dork kid. I was also very boy-crazy<br /><br />What did you use to love that you no longer do?: Perfectionism<br /><br />Do you have the same friends?: One. Lauren :)<br /><br />Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: too many to count, actually. And im not exagerating.<br /><br />Part 7: The Future<br /><br />Are you scared of growing old?: not with my soulmate<br /><br />Do you want to get married?: yes<br /><br />Do you want to have kids?: yes<br /><br /><br />Part 8: The Outdoors<br /><br />Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: indoors<br /><br />What is your favorite season?: summer..no school<br /><br />Favorite weather?: sunny and cool.<br /><br />Do you like walking in the rain?: yes<br /><br />Part 9: Food<br /><br />Are you a vegetarian?: noooo<br /><br />What is your favorite food?: california rolls<br /><br />What food makes you want to gag?: peas<br /><br />What is your favorite dessert?: fried banana with vanilla ice cream and caramel<br /><br />What is your favorite restaurant?: sakura<br /><br />Are you a fussy eater?: eh<br /><br /><br /><br />Part 10: Relationships and Love<br /><br />Are you single or taken?: taken<br /><br />If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: Rowland Andre Meza Stover aka "Dead".... laaaaaame.<br /><br />Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: an orgasm is better... hahaha jk. yes, i think it is.<br /><br />Do you believe in love at first sight?: yes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:78967 2006-06-18T20:13:27Z 2006-06-18T20:13:27Z I dont know if things will ever go back to the way they were.<br />The way they were when i was happy.<br /><br />Im just praying that this is just a speed bump that we'll look back on and say it really helped us.<br /><br />I dont care if he thinks i could do better or if he thinks hes a bad person. Then show me that im worth it, be the good man for me. <br /><br />Stop being bitter.<br />Stop being jealous.<br />Stop being hurtful.<br /><br />"I will always love you."<br /><br />I just hope that love will be enough. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:78750 2006-06-17T22:36:27Z 2006-06-17T22:36:27Z I thought i had been hurt before.<br />I was so naive.<br /><br />but now things are back. <br />But i just want to cry thinking about last night. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:78471 2006-06-13T07:15:31Z 2006-06-13T07:15:31Z O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;<br />It is the green-ey'd monster which doth mock<br />The meat it feeds on.<br /><br />-Shakespeare urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:78293 2006-06-11T08:40:33Z 2006-06-11T08:40:33Z I dont know anymore.<br /><br /><br /><br />To be in love.<br /><br />and to be loved.<br /><br />have you ever head of such a thing?<br /><br />how do you love back?<br />how easy could it be?<br />easier then a kiss?<br />easier then a fuck?<br /><br />How much time do you waste searching before realizing youll never wste time again. because you dont have to. Not with him. Then how do you know that hes really the one you should love? or maybe its someone else. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:77614 2006-06-04T09:25:17Z 2006-06-04T09:25:17Z God he's so fucking dramatic. <br /><br />To me, you're something that will never die.<br />Die out in my heart.<br />I'll be 60, walking in the store, see you and remember. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:77319 2006-05-31T07:12:02Z 2006-05-31T07:12:02Z I keep looking o the past, but not enough to get distracted from the present and future. I know I loved him then. I swear to God i did.<br /><br /><br />Tonight I cried a lot. It was terrible. He just held me and asked me why why why. and then apologized. <br /><br /><br />He apologized for not being able to trust me. <br /><br /><br /><br />For getting jealous then pissed off, thus making me sad. Im the most trustworthy person he'll ever meet. One day he'll realize it, one day he wont just see me as one of the many fucked up girls in the world destined to cause him pain. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:77169 2006-05-29T09:42:54Z 2006-05-29T09:42:54Z Sometimes you ache in the best possible way.<br /><br />and sometimes that same ache makes you want to tear your skin off.<br /><br />But right now, Im so happy.<br /><br />Yay!! Summer vacation!!! Im sooooo happy. :D urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:76573 2006-04-26T06:35:36Z 2006-04-26T06:35:36Z i GOT MY LICENSE TODAY :)<br /><br />I am very happy. with everything. <br /><br />I really cant remeber the last time i felt so content with my life. I like the way its going, i only hope it'll stay that way.<br /><br />I didnt know that i could feel so great being with someone. I never thought that someone would like me as much or even more then i like them. I kinda gave up the idea that someone could love me. But i guess maybe its not too hard to love someone. I love so many people. I think the hard part is staying in love with them.<br /><br />It's still kinda hard to let go of my old pessimistic views. But he makes it so i have to.<br /><br />All my friends are being sooo awesome. audreys party is going to be AWESOME!! Tammy is being her greta self. I finally hung out with sarah :) oh and i hung out with jesse :) that was cool. I hadnt really hung out with him since our little... thing... hes such a cool guy to be friends with.<br /><br />Please, let this stay. Let it be this good for a while. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:76355 2006-04-18T06:53:51Z 2006-04-18T06:53:51Z So far.....<br /><br />one month.<br /><br />:D<br /><br />and it has been great.<br />maybe a little bumpy sometimes.<br />But its ok. <br />Thats how its supposed to be. <br /><br /><br />sometimes, i really just feel like my heart will burst. But in a good way. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kissb4ublowup:75715 2006-04-07T04:06:54Z 2006-04-07T04:06:54Z are dicks for no reason.<br /><br />you have a bad day.<br />everyone annoys you.<br />youre incredibly depressed.<br />I understand...but dont be mean to me.<br /><br />You know that Im their for you EVERY single moment, no matter what. You know i would sit for hours just listening to your problems, even if they bring my rare good mood down. You know i would do close to anything for you. lend you money, carry you, stroke your hair when you cry and be there for hours while you wipe your snot on me. make sure you dont make an ass of yourself when youre drunk and tuck you in when you cant do it yourself. and sooo much more.<br /><br />so dont fucking be mean.<br />I can be having the worst day of my life and i will never be mean to you.<br /><br />If i just got done fighting with someone im not going to turn around and be a dick to you, or even give you a mean tone. I dont do it. So dont do it to me. I am never mean to you, so dont be mean and sarcastic to me.<br /><br />Its all i ask.<br />I try so hard to be a good friend.<br /><br />But seriously...i dont want one of my friends to say something mean to me and think " wow...what a bitch."<br /><br />I dont want to think it.<br />So dont be one.<br /><br />Just dont be mean period...and if you have to be mean, be mean to people who dont love you so much.