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I am [05 Mar 2010|06:07pm]
suprised that i remembered my username and password.

I used to bitch about a lot of things, looking back.

But then again i had a terribly abusive relaionship. But i was also a dumb bitch. I think maybe i still am a dumb bitch.

But life is definitly better now.

its nice to know that.
(1) kisses

THE FEAR I CANNOT ESCAPE. [25 Jul 2007|07:48am]
[ mood | scared ]

so i just finished harry potter and the deathly hallows. and it made me feel sad because ive been reading harry potter for the greater part of my adolescence and i find it somewhat symbolic that now, the summer before im supposed to start my adult life, the series ends... with hope.

hahaha. good ol' harry potter.

and lately ive been confused about almost everything.

and ive also been thingking alot about death. as a child i would always think about it. i would wake up in the middle of the night with this uncontrollable fear of the inevitable, and unable to sleep i would walk around my house crying. sometimes my mom would wake me up and try to ocmfort me talking about God and heaven and jesus. promises that jesus would save. and for a while i grew incredibly religious always telling stories about jesus to my preschool friends.

but now those similar feeling of unease have come back to me and again i feel like a scared child, so fearful of the inevitable so unsure of the unexplainable. sometimes i am filled with so much fear that i cant help but cry. i cry at at the fact that one day i will be old and i will die. and i dont know what will happen to me. i guess i could believe that jesus will save me and i will remanin in heaven for eternity. or there could be nothing. emptiness non existance. and that scares me more then anything. it seems so unfair tht we are given so short a life. a life of harry potter, of little dogs that lick your face, of good friends, and fireworks, and chocolate cake, of jokes and films and art and love and such tenderness. it is so unfair. and then it ends abruptly. like a blink of an eye, and itr could just be nothing blackness, no feeling, no comfort. nothing. my soul, the soul and life i truly cherish would be gone nothing but a small memory shared by a few and dead within a century.

and beyond that i think what happens when the end comes, and im talking about beyond apocalypse. because thats not the end it might just be the end of the living world but the continuation of the spiritual world (if i believe that such a hting exists) but what about the end of time? the end of space? of souls? heaven? hell? god? i know,i know. how can i say that? such blasphemy.

nothing scares me more the a wasted life and the utter darkness and silence that night follow.

and i know people will tell me their views on god and heaven, or theyll tell me it doesnt matter, live your life to the fullest. i know.

but i just cant escape this fear.


[30 May 2007|11:24pm]
so im just confused lately

you realized you loved me...just too late

and now i dont know if i want him.

This guy joe is nice. hes a marine. hes sweet, attractive...and has a kid.

and theres the whole thing about me still loving andre.

maybe they should just leave me alone completly

because all i need is my little meshi :)

who the fuck uses this anymore [17 May 2007|05:01am]
Its sad looking at my old entries.

I never knew what was coming. and i wonder if i had known if i would have stopped it.

i never knew that somene you loved you be so cruel or betraying. i was so naive.

I saw him in the best way anyone could ever see him. and he should truly be grateful. Because now i dont see him like that anymore.and i feel dead.

You would too if you endured what i did/do.

But hey, it must not be hat bad if i choose to stick around. right?

[30 Mar 2007|11:05am]
blah blah blah.

gonna go to africa......

[30 Mar 2007|10:44am]
so lately i felt more and more discontented with my life.
so many new faces are springing up, and old ones too.

i dont know anymore about love. or what i think is love. I love him, i know i do. ut i seriously doubt that he loves me. you cant cause someone you love so much pain and misery. you cat be cruel to someone you love, can you? or is it that youre so aware of the other persons love that you know you can be mean to them and they will always love you and never leave you? like they way i am to my brother or my mom.

But idk.

Ive bee riding a dead horse for a long time.

but i keep hoping that if i stick it out we'll bothe become more mature and our eyes will finally be open. but idk when enough is enough.

probably now.

i dont know how long before i run out of tears to cry.
(1) kisses

YOU [28 Oct 2006|07:08pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these balls and suck the dick


good stuff

Im tired of catty fucking attitudes.
Im tired of fucking pathological liars.
Im tired of people judging
Im tired of people fighting
Im tired of little boys with a dumb sex drive
Im tired of girls with a power drive
Im tired of girls flirting qith andre
Im tired of my friends being bitches
Im tired of assholes with fragile hearts
Im tired of his devil mask
Im tired of shit
all of it

I hope tonight thereare no fights
at least i hope andre stays away from
because his wanting to be on the front line (pft...lame) makes me have to at least be in the second line to make sure he doesnt get killed.

(1) kisses

Equilibrium [29 Aug 2006|06:28pm]
Mary: Let me ask you something.
Mary: Why are you alive?
John Preston: I'm alive... I live... to safeguard the continuity of this great society. To serve Libria.
Mary: It's circular. You exist to continue your existence. What's the point?
John Preston: What's the point of your existence?
Mary: To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking.
(3) kisses

[17 Aug 2006|06:11pm]
everything is just terrible.

the world is sooo fucked.

people are just cheaters and liars who crave their own satisfaction.

People die
Beauty fades
Love changes
and you will always be alone.

So what?

all of this coud be true. But still, so what?
You give up?
You become one of those who lives for self satisfaction, who cheats. who lies...just so you can be like the others?

I regret nothing. There are times ive felt so alone, when ive asked what the point is. But then there are those moment when i feel loved, when i feel beautiful, needed, helpful and kind. when i see something sweet and heavenly in others eyes. and then i realize what I live for.

Those golden moments (sometimes frequent, sometimes scarce)that cannot be forgotten or erased, those moments that change you. the moments that make you feellike youre in a snow globe with glitz and glitter all around you and your world, those moments that make you feel like youve entered somewhere soft, somewhere comfortingly hazy. Moments that are never and forever.
(1) kisses

[29 Jul 2006|05:04am]
Someone just kill me.
I dont think ive ever been this hurt in my entire life.

I dont understand.

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